The Last Testament by David Javerbaum

Author:David Javerbaum [Javerbaum, David]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Published: 2012-02-21T01:39:34+00:00

CHAPTER 12

1 It is not my intention here to outline the final three years of Jesus’s life, for of those there is more than enough record; all four Gospels tell the story in magnificent detail.

2 My favorite of these is Matthew, but Mark has its moments; and John’s literary style is at times quite engaging.

3 Luke stinks.

4 But I will offer my recollections of Jesus during his ministry; for I was not only a witness but a participant, in frequent contact with him during that time; as was H. G., whose interest in his younger brother’s vocation remained avid.

5 Soon after resisting the devil’s temptations, H. G., Jesus, and I gathered one day for a strategy session in Jesus’s cerebellum.

6 It quickly devolved into a shouting match between Jesus and me; for he wanted his ministry to consist of preaching and hugging and telling people he loved them and baking them vegan millet loaves;

7 While I wanted it to consist of upbraiding heretics and slaughtering animals and afflicting the wicked with liver disease.

8 Finally, just as Jesus was limbering up his orbicularis oculi in preparation for the Look, H. G. stepped forward and said, “Dad, Jeez, it’s very simple: PAM.

9 PAM. Parables, Apostles, Miracles.

10 That’s it. That’s all we need.

11 For in my many travels around the world I have observed human beings of every size and shape and color and socioeconomic background, and there are three things that never fail to impress them:

12 Stories, entourages, and magic.

13 So let us write some parables; let us write them so as to have wide popular appeal; meaning nothing too artsy, Jesus, and nothing too bloody, Dad.

14 And then let us gather apostles to help spread the Word; it matters not exactly how many, though my instinct says somewhere between ten and the low teens.

15 And then the miracles ... well, the miracles will be the easy part.

16 What do you say? Let us PAM.

17 Say it with me: PAM. PAM.

18 PAM! PAM! PAM! PAM! PAM! PAM! PAM!”

19 His excitement was contagious; and soon all three of us were dancing around shouting “PAM!”;

20 For even I am not immune to the power of a catchy slogan.

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